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Mar 7 2007 | |
by Nick Peet, Liverpool Echo | |
RAFA BENITEZ paid tribute to his players and the Anfield fans for the team performance which put Liverpool into the Champions League quarter-finals. On a night of wild celebrations in front of the club’s new owners Tom Hicks and George Gillett, Liverpool produced a display of defiance that saw them reach the last eight on away goals at the expense of reigning champions Barcelona. Barca dominated long periods of possession, but could not recover from a 2-1 first leg defeat, despite winning the return 1-0 thanks to an Eidur Gudjohnsen second-half strike. “I am really proud of my players, they produced almost a perfect performance, but the fans too played their part,” said Benitez. |
Mar 7 2007
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by Neil Hodgson, Liverpool Echo
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LIVERPOOL’S famous
Lewis’s shop appeared doomed today as store closing signs went up.
Every window in the 151-year-old store was covered in closing down posters – less than a week after administrators pleaded with shoppers “use us or lose us”.
Yet today administrator Kroll insisted it was still trying to sell the business as a going concern.
Staff were ordered to stay late last night to put up the huge posters.
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Q. What do you call an Ethiopian with a swollen toe?
A. A golf club.
Q: How do you know if you're at a gay picnic?
A: The hotdogs all taste like shit!
In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.
Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.
Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.
"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.
The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"
This man pulls up in his Merc beside a little boy.
He opens the door, holds out a brown paper bag of sweets and says, "Hey kid, if I give you a sweetie, will you come in my car."
To which the kid replies, "Gimme the bag and I'll come in your mouth!"
The McCartney kids are at the family ranch anxiously awaiting news of their mother. Paul emerges from his wife's bedroom "Kid's.... there's good news and bad news."
"The bad news is your mother's strength and will to live has been sucked away by her awful disease and she died a few moments ago"
"The good news is.... It's steak and chips for dinner!"
A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.
The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."
The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his scratchings in your neck."
Two sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain, and were approaching two tampons. Before the pads and tampons reached each other, one pad said to the other,
"Should we say hi to those 2 tampons?"
The other pad responded, "Err... nah... they're stuck up cunts."
The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitches a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that !!!!
The teenager tells her, "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on, With her old wrinkled pair on show. The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her Grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it just is not appropriate .....
The grandmother says, "Loosen up Sweetie. If you can shown off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
A man walks past an ice cream stand that advertises, "Every flavour ice cream in the world."
"Bullshit," thinks the man and walks in. "So you say you have every flavour ice cream in the world?" "O.K., I would like three scoops of cunt flavoured ice cream please."
"No problem sir." The assistant gives the man three scoops of ice cream in a cone and the man takes a good lick.
Grimacing, he says, "This doesn't taste like cunt, it tastes like shit!" The assistant replies,
"Of course it tastes like shit when you take such long licks!"
Steven Spielberg has a talent for making memorable movies, merchandisers have a knack for turning those movies into products for the kiddies to buy, buy, buy, and Hollywood executives will do just about anything (no, make that anything) to squeeze every last nickel out of a picture. So I dread what must soon be arriving on the toy store shelves, just in time for the holidays:
The Schindler's List E-Z-Bake Action Figures (lightbulb not included).
Two men are sitting in a restaurant. There is also a gypsy woman sitting opposite to them with her legs wide spread.
One man says: "Look, she has such dark hair on her genitals!" the other says: "Oh no, it isn't hair, it is dark panties!" Then they made a bet - £100 . A waiter goes by so they ask him to find out for them.
He did so, but takes all the money and walks away. "What happened, why are you taking the money?!" Asked the waiter.
He replies: "Neither of you was right! She had her period and there were flies on her!"
What do you call an annexic with a yeast infection?
A quarter pounder with cheese.
