DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p*ss before the film starts.
RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid a court appearance after a trip to Truprint
.MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via Royal Mail. You will never see it again.
BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.
EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
BUTCHES: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your partner from having to do it.
GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.
BANGING: two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.
CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
HUSBANDS boil an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a sh*t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house afterwards
